Envy the Dogsitter
by Blur daydreamerXXX
Summary: A plan to infiltrate Central as Roy Mustang goes horribly wrong for Envy when he finds himself doing paperwork and dog-sitting. No, the dog-sitter isn't worth envying.


Hey peeps! :D

Gah, this is the third time I'm trying to upload this. My computer doesn't like me -_-

Anyway, this is just a little one shot I'm putting up before I go on break to study for my mid year exams. Enjoy! :D

* * *

"Envy."

"What?" The green haired sin rolled over and cracked open an eye to stare at the woman who stood in front of him. Lust sighed and motioned for him to follow her before making her way through the tunnels. Envy got off the bed, groaned, and grudgingly followed. He'd just had a bad encounter with the Fullmetal Alchemist, and ended up badly wounded. Even with the regenerating powers of the Homunculus, he was exhausted.

The two walked in silence, with occasional grunts from Envy as he stumbled over loose tiles that he usually would have been able to manage. Finally, they arrived at a large room with many tubes linking to an uncomfortable-looking chair in the centre.

"Father, I have brought him." Lust bowed to the Hohenheim look-alike who sat on said chair. The man looked up, acknowledging their presence, and stood.

"Envy."

Envy looked up, slightly annoyed that he had to endure all this crap while he wasn't really in the mood.

"Yeah?"

"I have a job for you."

The sin groaned, but noticing the look in the other man's eyes, sighed and put his hands on his hips.

"Yeah, yeah, fine. What do I have to do this time?"

"You shall infiltrate Central headquarters. Find out how much Colonel Roy Mustang knows about the Homunculus and about our plan. Report back immediately after you have gathered the information. Do not linger. The Colonel is supposed to be on holiday for another four days. You have that much time to gather the information. Am I understood?"

_'Yeah, geezer. Coz I don't need to rest after getting my ass handed to me by that Fullmetal brat…'_ Envy sighed inwardly. "Yes, I understand."

He turned to leave, but was stopped when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Envy."

"What, Lust?"

"Beware of the Hawkeye woman."

"Huh? Yeah, fine. I'm off."

* * *

"Colonel."

Colonel Mustang, or Envy in disguise, woke up from his nap and looked up to find his subordinates gawking at him. He groaned. _'I must have fallen asleep…'_

"Yes, First Lieutenant?"

"May I confirm why you are back in office, napping, when you should be down in the East to carry out the survey and weapons testing?" That one caught Envy by surprise. So he wasn't on holiday? Uh oh…

"Well, I…"

"Colonel, don't tell me you forgot your gloves?" Havoc crossed his arms. Envy looked down at his hands, and indeed, the gloves were missing.

"Ah, right… There's something wrong with me lately, I didn't remember until I came all the way back here… Heh." Envy chuckled awkwardly. 'That was close…'

"Colonel, you should take a holiday. All this work on the Homunculus must be getting to you." Breda looked at him with concern in his eyes. Envy felt what seemed like a stab through the heart, but the pain was quickly replaced by excitement at the prospect of finding out what Roy Mustang knew about Homunculus.

"Ah, it must have… I think I will need to consult a doctor if this goes on. I seem to be forgetting a lot of things lately."

"Maybe you're just getting old, Colonel?" Fuery smiled as he moved a pile of documents from his table to another, while Havoc laughed. '_Me, old? Of course, I"m over 400 years old.'_ Envy thought to himself._ 'The guy with glasses is… Kain Fuery. Tall blonde with cigarette, Jean Havoc.'_ He tried to recall, just in case he got the names wrong and blew his cover.

"Haha, but I'll still be able to get the girls, Fuery. Isn't that right, Havoc?" He took pleasure in the way Havoc suddenly shut up and went to a corner of the office to mourn his lack of a girlfriend.

"Colonel." Hawkeye interrupted. _'A female? That means… Riza Hawkeye.'_

"Yes, Hawkeye?" Envy glanced upwards at her. _'So this is the woman Lust warned me about? She doesn't look that dangerous… except for that glare in her eyes.'_

"If you don't mind my being rude, sir. If you have nothing else to do, please return to your duties down East." Envy stiffened. _'But if I manipulate this somehow, it could speed up my mission…'_

"Ah, yes… there's that." He stood up, as if he was leaving. "But before I go… Could someone refresh my memory on what we have discovered about the Homunculus and their plans?" Hawkeye shot him a suspicious glance, but didn't say anything about it.

"Of course, sir. So far, we-"

"Falman." Hawkeye interrupted. Falman blinked.

"Uh, yes?"

Riza gave him, as well as the other three, a hard stare that said "leave this to me and go do your work", which effectively sent them scuttling to their tables. Of course, they still kept their ears open to what was going to happen.

"Colonel, as punishment for forgetting something as important as our Homunculus investigation, you will have to do me a favour. After that, I shall then remind you of our discoveries." She went behind her table and started to look for something. Envy gulped.

"And, that would be…?" He asked, only to have a dog shoved into his face.

"Look after Black Hayate for the rest of the day. And do your own paperwork."

"Ugh, hmph… Fine." Envy sighed inwardly. '_Great, more work… well, how hard could looking after a mutt while doing paperwork be?' _

He had no idea.

**Three hours later**

"Black Hayate! Oi! You stupid dog, where the hell are you?!" Envy pushed away the branches of some bushes as he continued to look for said canine. Apparently, Black Hayate wasn't too happy with Envy as his caretaker and bit him before running off. The wound healed soon enough, but pain was pain, and Envy swore to kill that dog when he had finished his mission. Of course, the Hawkeye woman had to go too, for making him look after the dog in the first place.

In the meantime, he had to focus on catching that damn dog… A rustle to his left caught his attention, and he pounced onto an unsuspecting Hayate.

"Gotcha! Alright, someone hand me a rope and duct tape. And while you're at it, a knife." He said to no one while restraining the struggling dog. Once back in the office, though… Hawkeye gave him a stern glare that made him release his hold on Hayate.

"What?" Riza bent down and took her beloved dog into her arms.

"Since you're such a failure at looking after dogs… Colonel, just get back to your paperwork before you kill Hayate…" She sighed in exasperation. Envy happily took a seat at Roy Mustang's desk and took a sheet of paper from the ridiculously tall pile in the "IN" tray. After scanning through it, he realised in horror that…

He had no idea what it was trying to say. Sure, he could read, but there were way too many military terms used in that one piece of paper, to the point where a normal civilian would only be able to understand the simple words and phrases like "urgent", "I", "help", "and", "To: Colonel Roy Mustang", and "please reply immediately upon receiving this letter". Envy groaned and eyed the remaining 546732987456 documents that were waiting for his attention. He decided to leave the SOS letter aside, and picked another piece of paper from the stack.

_'Aha, I just need to sign… here… Uh, crap, I have no idea how Roy Mustang's signature looks like.' _

He let his head drop onto the table with a loud bang, and then grabbed some old, signed documents and a large dictionary of military terms, and started work.

* * *

It was 11.53pm when Envy finally completed all the papers. Happily, he turned to Riza to gloat on how he had just finished what seemed like an eternity's worth of work, only to find that she was closing all the curtains with a gun raised to his head.

"So, Colonel, what's your plan?" She finally said when she was done. Envy stared in shock and a bead of sweat made its way down his face.

"Lieutenant… What's the meaning of this?" Riza chuckled.

"I don't have a reputation of having a hawk's eye for nothing, Homunculus. I saw through your plan a long time ago. The Colonel wouldn't be having trouble with Hayate, because Hayate knows not to mess with him. Also, Colonel Mustang never forgets his assignments, and neither does he do his paperwork willingly." She listed out Envy's mistakes while Envy berated himself for acting out of character. After a while he sighed, and chuckled.

"Interesting, it's no wonder Lust said to beware of the Hawkeye woman." He rested his head on his hand.

"This Lust, she is also a Homunculus?" Envy looked dead into the Lieutenant's eyes.

"Maybe."

"Who are the others?"

"Funny, I don't feel like telling you." Riza's grip on the gun tightened, but Envy didn't falter.

"We learned from one named Greed that each Homunculus has a unique ability. What are yours?" Envy stood up abruptly, startling Hawkeye, who got ready to fire.

"Mine? Well…"

And he transformed into Black Hayate and jumped at her.

In the middle of the struggle, the real Black Hayate walked into the office, saw his beloved owner with another dog, and started barking. Caught off guard at the sudden interruption, Envy froze for a moment, and Riza took this chance to fire at him. She missed, and Envy transformed back into Roy.

"Now, Hawkeye, you wouldn't shoot your superior officer, now would you?" He said, hoping to buy some time, only to receive a bullet to his head. He yelled in pain as the wound healed itself. Red light and crackling sounds were emitted, an indication that the healing was an alchemical process. Envy snarled. That was one piece of information useful to the enemy. But then, Hawkeye wasn't an alchemist, so she wouldn't know that. That was good. He studied the woman in front of him, watching for any sudden movements.

"Actually, I have orders from the Colonel himself that if he ever did something irrelevant to his goal, I am allowed to fire at him." She smirked, and her face fell back into a frown. "But that aside, show your true form, Homunculus! You're a shape shifter, aren't you?" Envy blinked, before breaking into a grin.

"Congratulations, you're right!" He smiled at her, extended his right arm, enlarged his fist and broke a hole through the wall. Riza attempted to fire, but didn't get to as Envy knocked away her gun and pinned her to the wall behind her using the same hand. Now that moonlight was able to enter the office through the hole in the all, Riza managed to get a good look at Envy.

He was still in the form of the Colonel, so that wasn't much to look at, but it was his arm that caught her attention. His palm itself was already bigger than her, and the most interesting part was that there was a colour transition from beige to dark green as you looked from his shoulder down to his hand. Even better, blood and who knows what other bodily fluids were dripping from it. So, despite herself, Hawkeye fainted.

After he was sure the Lieutenant was unconscious, Envy released his grip on her and turned to face the dog, who was growling.

"Oh, shut up already."

* * *

**Omake**

"Colonel, welcome back to office." Riza greeted Roy Mustang as he walked in. Roy grinned.

"It's good to be back. Although I'm not really looking forward to the paperwork…" He trailed off. Those that were overdue when he left, those that came in after he left, not to mention the new documents that needed signing today. He sighed. "Well, better get to work then…"

Plopping down at his seat, he noticed that the pile in his "IN" tray was significantly smaller, and scanning the room, found all the old documents on the table next to the door, where all documents due for submission were. He raised an eyebrow.

"Lieutenant, did you do my paperwork?"

"No sir. I wouldn't even if you had begged, anyway."

"Then… Who did?" The both of them walked over to the pile of documents, and randomly choosing one, Riza read through it.

"Hmm. For a lousy dog-sitter Envy is quite good at paperwork."

"Lieutenant, did I miss something?"

"Yes, sir. Well, you see…"

"Oh, is that so?"

"Yes, sir."

"Interesting. Hey, where's Black Hayate?"

* * *

**Elsewhere...**

"Hey Lust, I'm back."

"Welcome back. How'd it go?"

"Meh, could've been better."

"I see. Envy, what is that thing following you?"

"Huh? Wha-"

"Woof!"

"AAAAARRGHH!"

"Woof!"

"What're you doing here!?"

"Woof woof!"

"Ugh…"

"I"m not going to help you explain that to Father."

"Yeah, whatever."

"Woof!"

"Are you going to help me return it?"

"No."

"Dammit."

* * *

Personally, I kinda like the omake :D

Anyway, I'm off to crack open my skull and let the textbook information enter through diffusion and osmosis! SEE YOU SOMETIME IN MID MAY! :D

P.S. For those who read Fullmetal Babysitter, you'll be pleased to know that the sequel is already in progress. Stay tuned! :D


End file.
